Addiction

I am addicted to praise and validation. In all shapes, colors, sizes, quantities. I cannot control my desire to seek it out. Whether in my career, my hobbies, my writing, it feels great to know I have worth. Often I volunteer to help with something just because of the praise it will bring or the validation I will get. For the most part it is easy to hide, as long as I also do the job right, make sure to say it was nothing, I was happy to do it, don’t mention it. While inside, I’m glowing and bursting and hungry for more more more.

 

I recently read a collection of essays by Stephen Dobyns. In a particular one on Rainer Maria Rilke, Dobyns discusses Rilke’s struggle with writing. One quote struck me:

Just as the creative artist is not allowed to choose, neither is he permitted to turn his back on anything: a single refusal, and he is cast out of the state of grace and becomes sinful all the way through. (Rilke)

To the creative artist, the “state of grace” can only mean the place in which good, imaginative thought and writing occurs, and to be sinful all the way through would be the corruption of all that that writer could produce. My desire to receive praise for my work is corrupting my poetry. This I have felt for some time. I hardly approach a poem without thinking almost exclusively about its value to others outside of myself. Is it publishable? Will my mentor like it? Will my fiancé? My workshop? I am sinful all the way through. My writing is suffering.

 

As anyone who has known an addict (of any variety) can tell you, there is usually a long list of mistakes they have made. Here is mine:

 

·         Submitting poems I know to be completed to a poetry workshop

·         Intentionally criticizing myself or my work to encourage the opposite reaction

·         Bragging about mediocre success and things that almost happen

·         Asking more than once, “Do you like it?”

·         Not being honest about other people’s work so that they are more likely to praise mine

·         Feeling anxious about not being involved in something that could make me look good

Considering the distance between people I have likely harmed by my actions, the most I can say is I am truly sorry. That does not go a long way to make amends I realize.

The question remains: how can you live and write without seeking praise or validation? I have talked with my mentor about this several times. She says to treat it the same way as rejection. That in mind I will set a few guidelines for myself.

 

·         I will not ask someone to critique a poem I believe to be complete.

·         I will not self deprecate.

·         I will not publicly celebrate every poetry or professional accomplishment.

·         I will always say what I think or feel about someone’s work.

 

The last step for me is to help others. I don’t know if I can actually do that. But maybe this post rings true for some of you out there. The most we can do is try, though we may fail.

 

Next week I’ll be thinking about roles

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Write a poem about addiction, yours or someone else’s.